what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
