allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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