I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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