Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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