Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
