woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
