I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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