vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
