she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
