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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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