I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
