Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
