Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
