I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
