Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
