your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if only i could text you this smell
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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