Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
