Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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