It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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