Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
