i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
