Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
