Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
two words: eviction party
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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