I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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