I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
