My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
