So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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