You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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