My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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