just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
