You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
