I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
