I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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