What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
True strength comes from lack of pants
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
