My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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