My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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