if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
