A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish my penis had a tongue
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
