uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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