My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.