I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
