He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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