Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just want nice things and good sex
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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