This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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