Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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