she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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