never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
