i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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