Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
