I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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