you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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