that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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