oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
