can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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