felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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