We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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