Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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