So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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