I bet he comes in French.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
