I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
