I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
