headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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