Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
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Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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